Tuesday, November 06, 2012

When I'm Almost Undone

My little early riser, up before the sun. 
Naptime was beginning and could not be more welcome. It had been a long day and I was exhausted.  My teapot steamed to a whistle. I had the next hour and a half all planned out... work on a few little art prints while listening to Bonhoeffer, clean the kitchen, pack for a trip.

I poured my tea and sat down. Then my heart sank. I heard Jackson crying out. Apparently he'd been awoken after about 30 minutes, not long enough for a nap, but potentially long enough to trick him into thinking he was rested and it was time to play. Frustrated, I quickly walked back to the room to try and rock him back to sleep.

Please please please go back to sleep. I won't make it through the rest of the day if I can't have a few minutes to myself.

I was tempted to do just enough to get him back to sleep, to rush it in a frustrated hurry. I prayed for sleep to come. But as he squirmed and whined in my arms I accepted the fact that naptime might be over and all my plans were changed.

As we rocked I thought about embracing the moments with my little ones, and how I want to so badly but sometimes it's so hard.

I'm not complaining here about the "trials" of motherhood. I absolutely love my job and signed up for all it entails. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm talking about the deeper heart issues that easily surface in the demands of this work. My sin, rooted in selfishness, is so quickly visible.

In a moment of grace in the rocking chair I remember a few things (though in scattered thoughts- not neatly organized with bolded text):

Hard work is a good thing. It's good to be stretched beyond my limits, to feel exhausted, to feel like I don't have what it takes. Because I don't. I've never in my life called on God for help as much as I have in the last 3 years as a mother. I think this is a very good place to be.

Change does not come through comfort. I pray for God to change my heart and character all the time, to make me for like Christ. I know that change almost always comes through stretching and difficulty, yet I still resist it even when I've asked for it.

My time is not my own. It is a gift. I'm in charge of stewarding it well, and being open to God's leading. There is no need to hurry, because He's given sufficient time for all that He needs me to accomplish.

In His presence is fullness of JOY. No matter where I am, what I'm facing, I'm given the potential for fullness of joy in God's presence. Amazing. Invite the mundane into the glorious. Give thanks. 

Just an hour before naptime my wonderful friend had sent me this quote. I remembered it there as I rocked:
Early in my Christian life I used to think Jesus always found time for God. I don't see it that way at all now. When I look at the life of Jesus I never really see him "finding time for God".  Rather, I see a son whose time belongs completely to the Father. Jesus was never in a hurry. He never needed more time. This is because he looked on his time as his father's time. 
 -from Surprised by the Voice of God (I haven't read the book)