Friday, January 14, 2011

Thoughts From the Bathroom Floor

Here I sit curled up in bed, trying in vain to find a comfortable position after a long night up sick.
I'm still unsure whether it is pregnancy related or something I ate yesterday. Whatever it is, I'd prefer it gone.

Kristian assisted all through the night, sometimes with me, sometimes with a crying baby boy.  He is the hero, yet still had to be on point this morning to take care of Caed as I'm weak and nauseous. It's amazing how life doesn't pause with a baby in the house.

I am thinking back this morning to some of the thoughts that were running through my head last night while on the bathroom floor.  They now may seem a bit dramatic for one night of sickness.  But since pain can't be mentally replicated, it's hard now for me to even remember how uncomfortable it all was, even just a few hours later. The proof is in the interesting and odd thoughts that surface during such an experience- in moments of pain and discomfort that seems never ending.

As the hours passed I was praying for God to take it all away, make me better. Then I was struck (all this with my head over a bucket) with Jesus' sacrifice involving great excruciating pain in order that I might be free. In my mind over and over the lyrics from a Sara Groves song kept coming:
You did that for me, You did that for me,
You wore the chains so I could be free, You did that for me.
Focusing on his sacrifice and extreme discomfort took some of the thoughts off myself.
I'm not comparing my one night of sickness to Jesus on the cross. That would be ridiculous. But for years in moments on physical pain that's felt unbearable, that's where my mind has gone, remembering how much worse he had it.

I also strangely found myself wrapped up in thanksgiving. I thought how much worse the moment could have been...
What if Kristian wasn't there to rock crying Caedmon?
What if I was in a public place, not the comfort of my own home?
What if I lived in a place and time when I had no choice but to pull myself out of bed this morning and continue some grueling physical labor to provide for my family.
I have so much to be thankful for.

Randomly, or maybe providentially, the many girls trapped in the sex trafficking industry came to my mind. What must they do on nights when they are sick and nauseous but have to continue "working" for fear of death? Unbearable.

Focusing on those things brought the reality of my situation into focus, and I was thankful amidst the pain.

Trials in life, big or small, are meant for refining. The Lord is gracious and compassionate and he desires for his children to grow in his likeness. May I always recognize his kindness to teach me in the midst of darkness.