Wednesday, January 20, 2010

3am thoughts.

To be a mother... I know I'm not officially quite one yet (or at least not really functioning like one), but it's only a matter of days...

However, I'm up right now in the middle of the night unable to sleep realizing the day is drawing near. I'm glimpsing what the forthcoming sleepless nights may feel like once he arrives.
Every light is off in the apartment and Kristian is asleep, and even this noisy building seems to be at rest. The yelling that we commonly hear outside our windows has silenced. I have a feeling I won't mind these hours too much.

There is something so special, almost sacred, about the middle of the night. I somehow almost feel privileged to be one of the few experiencing it right now. I see another light on through the "courtyard" (yes, you can laugh if you've seen the "courtyard") across the way. I wonder what they are doing? What is keeping them up in the middle of the night tonight?

I feel compelled to seek God at this hour, I suppose out of His kindness towards me. I talk about it often, but it is still true... it's hard for me to believe sometimes that God really LOVES me, that he would go out of his way to do things special for me, as a loving parent would for a child.
"This is love, not that we love God, but that He loved us, and sent His son..." He came seeking after me, not the other way around.
Maybe this is why I am awake. Maybe he wants to to teach me something in these wee hours when my attention is not so diverted.
Kristian and I were having a conversation the other night that lead into the costliness of following Jesus. Our lives don't necessarily reflect ones that are costly, and as I've said before, never could be compared to the many many who have sacrificed, lived in excruciating circumstances, and even died for the sake of Christ.

No, so far, that's not what our lives look like. However, there are many decisions that have been made on the belief that Jesus is Lord, and the promise that we will spend eternity with him.
We are staking our lives on this.

Some of our life decisions seem foolish to the world- and we have been told so (and maybe they are in fact foolish) but they have been made under the belief that all here is perishing and that we have a greater reward, and that HE IS STRONGER, and HE is the reason for our days.

Occasionally it is easy (at least for me) to think "uh oh, what if I'm really missing something here? What if the point of our lives here really is to just live it up, enjoy all the financial blessings that come our way... ?"

When following Christ is not costly, life can be really good as a Christian, even convenient. This I know from much experience. You often times get the good feelings and the closeness of friends and fun community group activities (all such wonderful things, but not intended to be where it stops), and there is not really much risk.
It is easy to take a little "persecution" here and there when we have so many other earthly things to comfort us and fill in the gaps.

But what if all this is stripped away?
What if we are asked to do really costly things, or even things that in reality aren't that costly but seem to be so because of what we've become accustomed to?

(speaking of those who trust God in the midst of extremely difficult circumstances, I'm just finishing up a biography on Amy Carmichael. Amazing! Hopefully more on that to come.)

Am I so committed to Christ that I would literally forsake all else?
Do I trust him enough?
Do I think he's strong enough?
Do I love him enough?

My heart cries YES!
But sadly, in the face of real life decisions, I often am so wishy-washy. I want to control outcomes. I want to know that everything is going to be alright... in my terms.

I wish that my heart would always resonate with Paul's in Philippians:
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...

All I can do now is just pray for a heart that desires Him above ALL ELSE.
I want to know Christ and his beauty not for the sole end of being happier and more fulfilled, but to bring him glory and to worship him for who HE is, not what he can do for me.

I am reminded of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Hosanna, by Hillsong:
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I have for your kingdom's cause
As I walk form earth in to eternity

Well, just some sleepy thoughts in the middle of the night...

I thought this post was going to be on mothering, but turns out I'm still just learning to be a child- to trust in a loving Parent, and obey. And I suppose that will be the case my whole life. Hopefully this will be a good lesson for me as I parent.

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In response to a special request, here are the most recent belly shots taken a week or so ago :)


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